slipping by // pt. 3

dear march —

i. thank you for heart-wrenching convictions. for wakeup calls. for shouting your voice loud and clear like a megaphone.

ii. i sit in a hard back swivel chair in his private office. so many unknowns. the future draws near and my head spins like the swivel chair. it’ll be okay. i’ll be okay. how easily i fill with despair.

iii. i’ve never felt so dumb in my life. maybe i was good for nothing. i gulp and turn back to the voice. so many voices. which one will i listen to? i sit in silence and ponder.

v. sometimes i wish God would speak to me. loud and clear. but then i realize even in the subtle moments his voice becomes clear. p.s. i hate migraines

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no longer wanna-be

fake it till you make it yell “those” kids
that’s what they all say
maybe that’s how they made it up there

am i right?

i try, try, try
to be someone that i’m not
i’m an oughtta-be, wanna-be, gotta-be
the cycles of strife surge me on

i’m a workaholic, control freak, and perfectionist… to the T

i want to win, win, win
get up on top, feel good about ma self
i find myself bending down
bending myself to win the hearts of people
bending myself to win a little more love

bending myself to win just a little more approval and just a few more scraps of acceptance

but i fail, fail, fail
when i try

to win

maybe instead i should try to be
a serve-aholic instead of a workaholic
and let someone else be in control of me
maybe instead i should
turn to the cross of perfection — at the only true perfectionist

instead of making one out of me

what if instead i embraced myself
for who i am, and for who i will always be —
beloved, for all eternity. 

don’t fake it, honey

you think i can’t tell
but darling…

i can.

you are worth more than rubies

you, precious, never go out of style

won’t you look into my eyes
just remember

baby, you are priceless.

like a ring of solid gold
a smooth and flawless pearl
drawn out from down, down down

refined and raised above all else

don’t bend down, for i have drawn you up
out of deep waters i have pulled you,

calling your precious name

all the voices in your mind
that make you weak inside
don’t belong —
don’t belong
in a place
as beautiful
as you.

a rub on your shoulder

precious one, dear one…

if only i could hug you and embrace you. but i fear you’re too distant, and everything i do seems to bounce off as if i didn’t even try. listen to me. i do.

i understand what you’re going through. you don’t believe me, but i do. oh, the pain and the suffering in your eyes were once in mine as well. when your walls seem to cave in and all you want to do is evaporate or slam the brakes. i’ve felt it.

some people don’t understand. but i do. life happens. feelings erupt. thoughts of “if only…” “could have, should have, would haves” flood my brain as i’m sure it does yours. but listen. life isn’t perfect. it just isn’t. we fail. we all do. you might look at yourself and say you’re not good enough. you may think you can’t do anything right; that you are a failure. you don’t have to strive for perfection because guess what: Jesus is your Perfecter. his grace is sufficient and covers all your weaknesses. (2 Cor. 12:9-10)

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