slipping by | pt. 9

dear september —

i. paralysis… worry and fear paralyzed me. oh no, Father… not again. but yes, it seems. yes… again.

iii. pride… pride got the best of me, and i could feel it. i was running on a performance cycle rather than a serving heart. i wonder if hamsters get exhausted once in awhile or maybe that’s just me.

iv. memories… bowling alleys and bbqs. cannolis and laughter. lighthearted conversations, but also bittersweet ones. sitting on the pink carpet, posing for a last picture, with our faces forlorn – all i think about is how dreadfully short life is and how whatever we have now we won’t have forever.

v. mr. nice guy… i understand now. my heart cringes at every menacing act and now i’m just as fired up as before.

v. voice… gonna help you find your voice… 

vii. prayers… when you realize the prayers you utter for someone else become your heart’s cry too.

viii. midday encouragement… i had one person in mind, but when God gives you an idea, he likes to make things as big as he can. so out it went. and wow God. it is more blessed to give than to receive. 

viii. wifey… you helped me be myself tonight. you filled me with laughter and silly antics until we had to be shushed. but girl, if i had to be shushed for once, it’s a good sign indeed. in fact, you made me feel safe. and most of all, you helped me break loose and be free. free to finally be me– in a place that’s supposed to be home and feel like family. and for that, i thank you.

viii. victimized… i feel like the victim. she broke down, and all of a sudden tension broke loose. and i got so annoyed when he came over and invaded my personal bubble. there is therefore no condemnation… 

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slipping by | pt. 8

dear august —

i. our love for each other broke loose as we ventured into greater depths and allowed ourselves to look into into the heart of the other.

ii. he whines and drags his feet, sending her voice to rise and fall with increasing intensity, then snap. and there i sit, bending to accommodate, but whispers cloud my brain. missing out; disregarded; alone; not special anyway. turmoil boils within me. should i have gone? i will never know.

ii. anxiety rose and despair bubbled from within me. things that ought to have been were no longer there. and yet that thought pops up – practice faith instead of projecting with fear – and gives me peace of mind. when disappointments and stress abound, you were my comfort.

ii. she is upset with me. i did it out of love, but i feel she didn’t feel it in return. oh, to think that there will be a time when i will no longer be your mate as i have been all these years. let’s make these times count, dear. i’m sorry.

iii. living a love does life requires daily surrender and conscious effort. thanks for showing me how i need to make love an action verb and not just a state of being.

iii. i feel bleh now that my heart is stable. now i’m not okay with being okay. and life moves on…

v. in the midst of lows and discouragement, you gave me words to say. you put a song in my mouth. you planted seeds of truth that just kept on flowing. and it felt beautiful… and oh, so freeing to be a vessel of assurance. it was not i, but him. keep speaking truth…

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slipping by | pt. 7

dear july —

ii. we talked about our feelings about the upcoming week. and he leaned over and said — hey, it’s gonna get better. and sitting side by side, my heart felt light. and for a second, i was sure that indeed it would… get better.

ii. names were called and a bullet went through my chest – sinking deeper and deeper, causing the already scarred walls of my soul to bleed all the more.

iii. you showed me how to risk being vulnerable and to open myself up to others. now, she is a safe sister i can vent to and one whose words are so quotable i write them up for keeps.

iv. i’ll be brutally honest and say sometimes my heart spills over with fury. but somewhere, in that wee little corner so far and yet distinct whispers that tugging command… to love.

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rise.

i feel all of a sudden stripped bare
left in the cold, reaching for something to hold
they say the father up above is looking down in love
and all i must do is abide

abide. to be still.
to rest, rest in the rivers of his peace
to release, release my control and trust his will

release —
open hands, eyes up.
unclenched jaws, uncrossed arms
crying hosanna, Savior come
hosanna, save me now
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slipping by // pt. 1

dear january —

xii. something about the frigid temperatures that you bring, mixed with raw emotions based on unfortunate circumstances, and unsettling social media dms that don’t quite sit well in my being… made me slink back into emptiness.

xiv. beauty broke free that evening. the melodies of one voice shook my heart. i had to stop trying. stop living from a state of mind that i could change it. i resolved to step in and the song that came through made my heart jump off the walls of my desperate soul. that night he scored a victory. thank you for revelations and break-throughs.

xvii. when someone like him leaves i cry. ’nuff said.

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friday feelings

the silence was deafening–
then voices. echoing, booming
faces danced along the walls

i wanted to hide

then his face appeared–
ahh his face
beyond words

just two words: infatuated love

a whisper in the dead of night–
stirs my wrestling mind
be still my heart he says

till i feel a peace of mind

139.

O God, you know everything about me.

you know when i’m fully engaged and full of whimsy and when I am frustrated, beaten down, and exhausted. you know when I am excited and when i am upset. you know when I am content and when i just feel like throwing myself on my bed and sobbing. you don’t need to read my blog, or my journal, or the last text conversations i had with my best friend, or even the last scripture i highlighted to find out what’s on my mind. you know full well what makes me tick, frustrated, and annoyed even better than i do, because sometimes i don’t even know what to think!

you, Lord, cast the vision. you go before me and know what will come along my way. you go behind me watching my back. you place your hand on me even now, making sure i am okay because you, Father, always want the best for me. let me not, Lord, ever run away. if i were to run away let me run to You– because you, the king of my heart, are the mountain when i run and the shadow where i hide. because really, there’s no such thing as running away. 

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