dear october —
i. you know my name… we bumped into each other at the bookstore and you embraced me with hugs. you are all so warm and friendly and lovable. it’s hardly been a couple weeks.
i. mindfulness meditation… second week of class, and we wheel ourselves and gather in the front of the classroom. don’tfreakoutdon’tfreakout i try to tell myself but i hear his voice come through and interrupt my thoughts, and my mind starts racing and derailing. tears start to well, and the next three minutes were the longest i had to get through as i tried to fill my mind with songs and scriptures and promises and tell myself it’s okay.
ii. to you and for you… twas a long day with wavering emotions, feeling beat down, and not content with myself. you texted during class, asking if you could stop by. i came down to meet you, tshirt, shorts, and flips; i melted as you all met me with the most smiling faces and outstretched arms. i got back and shared my bounty with them and they reached for hugs, faces beaming. my heart was overwhelmed, oh, so full and oh, so loved.
iii. almost fainting… thanks for making me climb ten flights of stairs. my question is what made me think i could even make it. and hardly, for i nearly fainted at the top. but hey, no hard feelings, okay?
iv. anxiety… if i could label this week it would probably be anxiety-driven for more ways than one. grateful though for reminders in the midst of it, for both pieces of mail i received today had the same do not be anxious about anything passage written for me. and suddenly that rainy walk by myself to large group had a skip in my step and a hop in my heart, for through it all He is good.
v. before and behind… He has gone before me, this i know. even as i make my way home. this asian couple stopped to talk to me. i was in a hurry, mind fixated on my destination: home. walk to 30th st station, pray my legs will carry me that far in a good time, find the train, and get home. but they stopped me, and so i stopped. an invitation to their college fellowship group, with a sushi dinner that night. i kindly told them no, but expressed my interest. i was stunned. it was a simple yes to stop. and it was Him showing me He’s got me. that i really am surrounded by His people; as if He really didn’t want me to forget that, even as i headed home.
vi. a beautiful tension… i am totally and emphatically a broken a sinful human, yet i am totally and emphatically loved. a new perspective of a posture of praise.
vi. glowing, hot, and full of joy… worship is connection and i felt connected with the One tonight.
vi. maturity and growth in your eyes… your warm eyes meet mine and you tell me you see such growth. i swell, because oh, i can feel it. you must see it and feel it too. grateful. and grateful for you.
vii. commissioning… twas a small gathering, but a precious one. emotions brimmed, and yours did too. i see such strength in you, such depths of faith in you, such spiritual wisdom from you. as i pull away from you one more time, i hope it won’t be the last. such special memories shared, admiration built, a strand of affection that won’t be broken.
v. miss </3 … today i wrote how i broke down seeing all the posts. not simply fomo but truly missing places and people… people. i miss the people. i also wrote how she feels so far away.
v. psalm 34… i asked about bible study, which led to you asking how i study the bible. and then without much of a second thought i turned and read psalm 34 to you. ❤ thank you for letting me do that.
xi. dreading the weekend… i didn’t want to face it; her; Him… not in the slightest. why did she have to, why did He have to, why did it have to go that way. my bitterness and my pain from the year past wreak and my heart is wrenched and hurt from all the destruction it seems it cost.
xi. what am i looking for? you come to me while the others make their way to leave and ask if i’m alright. thank you for you, ts. thank you for pointing me to the light.
xi. don’t be afraid to feel the pain in suffering… and to grieve the pain, but let it lead you to God not away from Him. rest and lean in His peace and presence. He is sovereign.
xii. redemptive song… claiming tremble as a victory declaration cry over defeat, disappointment, disgrace.
xiii. recordings… thank you for sending and sharing building up of identity and majesty and build my life and reminders that loved is who i am. i close my eyes and listen while i spend a quiet morning on the train.
xiii. open hands… our car made its way to the top of the hill, and peace begins to take residence. the song plays, and i break a little remembering that time a year ago where things were whisked out of my hands and plans didn’t fall into place. the sweetest sound, the highest praise is the letting go of this life You gave.
xiii. the sun will rise and we will rise again… she prays a mighty prayer as we gather around. it was a cold, bleak afternoon. she says a strong amen, and the sun shone on us all.
xiv. cora… i got to scoop you up into a huge hug and you pecked a kiss on my cheek and it was the most wonderful thing.
xiv. 40 minute calls with my anjel. ❤
xv. Ramen bowls and city strolls… twas good for my soul. 🖤grateful for talks of pursuing peace in the midst of anxiety, of trusting in the midst of not knowing, of finding life in every season, of having faith and keep pursuing.
xviii. needing to be patient… seeking cookie cutter answers but realizing i need to seek Him wholly and undeniably. who am i to put words in God’s mouth?
xviii. late night writing… it’s okay to be in a place to just allow yourself to feel, because even here He is guiding me through every thick and thin. when your mind follows suit on fluctuated feelings, may you be still and remember though feelings sway, His truth remains. don’t let those fluctuated feelings cause you to lose grip on convictions you hold so dear, for His Word alone makes things morally clear. so as feelings come and go, seek the One who never lets you go.
xix. meetup with fgl… already within the past two months of meeting you, you’ve encouraged and inspired me to wholeheartedly seek the Lord; to think more deeply, love devotedly, and worship authentically. thank you for adding spice to my life 🙂
xix. sharm… you held my hands in yours and told me how beautiful overcome was. thank you. ❤
xx. highs and lows… you said how much you admired how i am able to see Him in everything. i never really realized or had that said to me before. all glory due to Him. thankful for conversations like this one.
xxi. one year… they sing gracefully broken and about overcoming fear and ahhhh so needed and such perfect timing how He led me to this one on this day.
xxiii. thank ya for da good food… thank you lydia so much i love you so muchhhhhh.
xxiv. i’m glad some dreams don’t come true upon waking up. ❤
xxv – xxvii. passion… experiencing new heights and depths of worship, new understanding of His love, and new declarations of His goodness. you prayed over me, that i would know His goodness, and oh, the way you choked with emotion as you spoke over me was so touching.
xxviii. stuck in woundedness… the sermon spoke of what entangles us from growing in healthy soil, then i was prayed over, that the Great Surgeon would do His repair work in me.
xxxi. halloween convictions… trying to navigate the way while the pressures build around me.