rise.

i feel all of a sudden stripped bare
left in the cold, reaching for something to hold
they say the father up above is looking down in love
and all i must do is abide

abide. to be still.
to rest, rest in the rivers of his peace
to release, release my control and trust his will

release —
open hands, eyes up.
unclenched jaws, uncrossed arms
crying hosanna, Savior come
hosanna, save me now
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slipping by // pt. 2

dear february —

xii. i was lost in my worshipping. when she wrapped her arm around me and held me in tight embrace it was a rather pleasant surprise. she rested her head on my shoulder and remained for several minutes. all the while she didn’t utter a word — just stretched the sweetest smile across her face. warmth glowed from her eyes. i felt cared for and loved for who i was. i don’t even remember receiving a hug like the one during that moment. there have been passing ones, yes, but far has there been one with that tender feeling.

xiv. thank you for second sisters who point the way, who empathize, who care, who affirm, and who drop a “hello” at just the right moment. the amount of love i have for her is overwhelming. ahhhh. iron sharpens iron and this girl is such a blessing.

xiv. precious moments include waking up and watching the sun rise. treasured moments include doing something for the first time and totally bossing it. memorable moments include, after succeeding, people surrounding praising you but most of all your dear father enveloping you in a papa bear hug and saying “well done.” treasured moments include your teacher telling you did a perfect job. oh, to feel loved. oh, to feel affirmed. it’s moments like these that i enjoy life.

xiv. “i consider you one of our leaders,” stated the voice on the other end of the phone line. wow. this person of authority saying such a statement about me? this blew me away. thank you for surprise guides who spur me on to reassure me in what i’ve been doing and to keep living out.

xiv. hallelujah for confirmations and blending in with a bunch of nerdy thirty-year olds. what a road paver.

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139.

O God, you know everything about me.

you know when i’m fully engaged and full of whimsy and when I am frustrated, beaten down, and exhausted. you know when I am excited and when i am upset. you know when I am content and when i just feel like throwing myself on my bed and sobbing. you don’t need to read my blog, or my journal, or the last text conversations i had with my best friend, or even the last scripture i highlighted to find out what’s on my mind. you know full well what makes me tick, frustrated, and annoyed even better than i do, because sometimes i don’t even know what to think!

you, Lord, cast the vision. you go before me and know what will come along my way. you go behind me watching my back. you place your hand on me even now, making sure i am okay because you, Father, always want the best for me. let me not, Lord, ever run away. if i were to run away let me run to You– because you, the king of my heart, are the mountain when i run and the shadow where i hide. because really, there’s no such thing as running away. 

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running away

she went down to the basement, slammed the garage door behind her, and ran out of the house. something so rare (running out of the house is an unheard of happening in her family) yet something so needed in her soul. she ran and ran, and stopped. her heart beating, her cheeks cold, her chest heaving and panting. she stopped and breathed in the crispness of the wintry, nippy air. thoughts began to flood her mind as her heart felt free again, like a joyous bird out of its cage.

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draft #

so i guess it isn’t as easy as i thought. i scribble, but then erase again … refining a never ending story. it seems i am stuck in the climax — the tipping point. character conflict after character conflict. the plot rises, then falls. i scribble, and try to erase, and try to refine. but there seems to be some trouble… i can’t seem to change the story. i am stuck in the climax. things don’t erase no matter how hard i try. and it seems like the characters are stuck in their own sense of doom. there are chapters where Happiness is the star and defeats Sadness, or where Joy trumps Sorrow. others feature Rejection stamping Love, and Discouragement standing taller than Strength. it is all a multitude of messy cycles. chapter after chapter alternate like different mood swings. who will be the final victor? which character will i don to be the savior of the “day”? there is no final happy ending / destination– yet. but i do know for certain that my story will have a delightfully happy ending filled with rejoicing. it’s going to be awesome. but the story’s still in progress with different chapters yet to be written. and with each chapter, another plot, and another climax.

it really isn’t easy to write a book. maybe it’s because i’m no writer at all. maybe, just maybe…

sigs

a rub on your shoulder

precious one, dear one…

if only i could hug you and embrace you. but i fear you’re too distant, and everything i do seems to bounce off as if i didn’t even try. listen to me. i do.

i understand what you’re going through. you don’t believe me, but i do. oh, the pain and the suffering in your eyes were once in mine as well. when your walls seem to cave in and all you want to do is evaporate or slam the brakes. i’ve felt it.

some people don’t understand. but i do. life happens. feelings erupt. thoughts of “if only…” “could have, should have, would haves” flood my brain as i’m sure it does yours. but listen. life isn’t perfect. it just isn’t. we fail. we all do. you might look at yourself and say you’re not good enough. you may think you can’t do anything right; that you are a failure. you don’t have to strive for perfection because guess what: Jesus is your Perfecter. his grace is sufficient and covers all your weaknesses. (2 Cor. 12:9-10)

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lessons from the enemy’s grasp

having grown up in a Christian household, i entered His family at a pretty young age. but only until recently did i take my personal relationship with Him seriously. For a long time, i was lukewarm. i felt ashamed of being a Christian. even though i knew Romans 1:16 says “i am not ashamed of the Gospel”, i still felt timid and insecure. i struggled to see God in my life and i yearned to have a real encounter with him.
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