friday feelings

the silence was deafening–
then voices. echoing, booming
faces danced along the walls

i wanted to hide

then his face appeared–
ahh his face
beyond words

just two words: infatuated love

a whisper in the dead of night–
stirs my wrestling mind
be still my heart he says

till i feel a peace of mind

139.

O God, you know everything about me.

you know when i’m fully engaged and full of whimsy and when I am frustrated, beaten down, and exhausted. you know when I am excited and when i am upset. you know when I am content and when i just feel like throwing myself on my bed and sobbing. you don’t need to read my blog, or my journal, or the last text conversations i had with my best friend, or even the last scripture i highlighted to find out what’s on my mind. you know full well what makes me tick, frustrated, and annoyed even better than i do, because sometimes i don’t even know what to think!

you, Lord, cast the vision. you go before me and know what will come along my way. you go behind me watching my back. you place your hand on me even now, making sure i am okay because you, Father, always want the best for me. let me not, Lord, ever run away. if i were to run away let me run to You– because you, the king of my heart, are the mountain when i run and the shadow where i hide. because really, there’s no such thing as running away. 

Continue reading

running away

she went down to the basement, slammed the garage door behind her, and ran out of the house. something so rare (running out of the house is an unheard of happening in her family) yet something so needed in her soul. she ran and ran, and stopped. her heart beating, her cheeks cold, her chest heaving and panting. she stopped and breathed in the crispness of the wintry, nippy air. thoughts began to flood her mind as her heart felt free again, like a joyous bird out of its cage.

Continue reading

draft #

so i guess it isn’t as easy as i thought. i scribble, but then erase again … refining a never ending story. it seems i am stuck in the climax — the tipping point. character conflict after character conflict. the plot rises, then falls. i scribble, and try to erase, and try to refine. but there seems to be some trouble… i can’t seem to change the story. i am stuck in the climax. things don’t erase no matter how hard i try. and it seems like the characters are stuck in their own sense of doom. there are chapters where Happiness is the star and defeats Sadness, or where Joy trumps Sorrow. others feature Rejection stamping Love, and Discouragement standing taller than Strength. it is all a multitude of messy cycles. chapter after chapter alternate like different mood swings. who will be the final victor? which character will i don to be the savior of the “day”? there is no final happy ending / destination– yet. but i do know for certain that my story will have a delightfully happy ending filled with rejoicing. it’s going to be awesome. but the story’s still in progress with different chapters yet to be written. and with each chapter, another plot, and another climax.

it really isn’t easy to write a book. maybe it’s because i’m no writer at all. maybe, just maybe…

sigs

when too much ice cream did some good.

the beautiful, fluffy clouds peeking out of towering skyscrapers of magnificent architecture. the heat of the summer that causes sweat to roll down your back and your clothes to stick, clinging to your body. the mouth-watering smell of foods from all around the world entering my nose at once, mixed in with more-than-welcome wafts of sewerage, exhaust, and garbage. the sounds of all different tastes of music makes me want to dance… jazz, pop, swing. along with that, the noises of a city are evident — cars honking, people yelling, an ambulance screaming to pass through. stands and vendors selling anything and everything from sunglasses, falafel, caricature, nuts, gyros, posters, and sun-hats. the city is always a buzz — people bustling, moving to and fro. people heading to work, stopping to take photos, begging for money… i feel a sense of community in this city when i see groups of people playing chess and checkers together Continue reading

a light at the end of the tunnel

If I’ve learned anything from life, it’s that sometimes, the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places. I’ve learned that the most toxic people can teach us the most important lessons; that our most painful struggles can grant us the most necessary growth; and that the most heartbreaking losses of friendship and love can make room for the most wonderful people. I’ve learned that what seems like a curse in the moment can actually be a blessing, and that what seems like the end of the road is actually just the discovery that we are meant to travel down a different path. I’ve learned that no matter how powerless we feel or horrible things seem, we can’t give up. We have to keep going. Even when it’s scary, even when all of our strength seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves back up and moving forward, because whatever we’re battling in the moment, it will pass, and we will make it through. We’ve made it this far. We can make it through whatever comes next.

– Daniell Koepke

a rub on your shoulder

precious one, dear one…

if only i could hug you and embrace you. but i fear you’re too distant, and everything i do seems to bounce off as if i didn’t even try. listen to me. i do.

i understand what you’re going through. you don’t believe me, but i do. oh, the pain and the suffering in your eyes were once in mine as well. when your walls seem to cave in and all you want to do is evaporate or slam the brakes. i’ve felt it.

some people don’t understand. but i do. life happens. feelings erupt. thoughts of “if only…” “could have, should have, would haves” flood my brain as i’m sure it does yours. but listen. life isn’t perfect. it just isn’t. we fail. we all do. you might look at yourself and say you’re not good enough. you may think you can’t do anything right; that you are a failure. you don’t have to strive for perfection because guess what: Jesus is your Perfecter. his grace is sufficient and covers all your weaknesses. (2 Cor. 12:9-10)

Continue reading