this morning as i got myself ready for church, i was discouraged. defeated. burdened. weighed down to the point of crushing.
i am crazy. what in the world am i stepping into? i can’t do it. Lord, what did you call me into?
this morning’s church sermon was 2 Kings 4:1-7, about the woman with the jar of oil. “Your servant has nothing there at all,” she said, “except a small jar of olive oil (4:2).” she had two attitudes – i have nothing, yet i do have something. one thing my pastor said was, don’t focus on the nothing; focus on the something and use it for His glory.
so here i sit, words impressed upon my soul. recounting my nothings, but holding high my somethings to remember and use for His glory. ❤
nothing: the places of lack. the weakness, the burdens, the brokenness, the suffering.
my nothings of this year/freshman year could be listed with social anxiety, homesickness, school stress, grief, anxiety in general, loneliness, disappointment, and just the feelings that come with transitions. i can talk about the moments i felt like a lone floater, not feeling a place to belong. i can talk about school projects that amounted, bringing stress and anxiety piling high. i can talk about processing and walking through grief, and how much i was drowning in my emotions. i can talk about how my summer will be spent overseas and how i am all of a sudden fearful and doubtful and -ful.
yet i have something.
something: the places of abundance. the growth, the joy, the blessings, the fruit.
my somethings of this year/freshman year would include finding community in the midst of the wandering – sweet and special friends and relationships built and now treasured. my somethings include healing and freedom through past and current disappointments, struggles, lies, and grief. my somethings include experiencing His miraculous emotional and physical healing in a powerful way, which was followed by a very real but uncertain (howwhatwhenwherewhatextent?) call to missions. my somethings include an intentional time of feasting and fasting, feasting and discovering Him through His Word. my somethings include expanding the picture i had of God – that He is truly and absolutely ultimately good in His very nature, and that He is incredibly patient and kind to His children. this year has blessed me with so many peeks of His character, and in seeing Him, i have been able to share Him – with my roommate, my floormates, and my church family. share Him boldly, vibrantly, courageously, undeniably. because this year i say with confidence, “how can i not?”
i do have something in this jar of clay. Lord, i know that you can use it. please use it. i know you can. will you? Lord, do the impossible.
we sang build my life today and oh, how fitting as i head again into wonderlust – a feeling of delight fused with awe, caused by something beautiful and unfamiliar. holy, there is no one like You. there is none besides You. open up my eyes in wonder. show me who You are and fill me with Your heart and lead me in Your love to those around me.
i may be weak, Your spirit’s strong in me. my flesh my fail, my God you never will. fill me and fuse me with delight, awe, and wonder, reminding me to look back and marvel at Your goodness and look ahead to how You will prove yourself faithful.
but we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. we always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. for we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. so then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 2 Cor. 4:7-11