dear february —
xii. i was lost in my worshipping. when she wrapped her arm around me and held me in tight embrace it was a rather pleasant surprise. she rested her head on my shoulder and remained for several minutes. all the while she didn’t utter a word — just stretched the sweetest smile across her face. warmth glowed from her eyes. i felt cared for and loved for who i was. i don’t even remember receiving a hug like the one during that moment. there have been passing ones, yes, but far has there been one with that tender feeling.
xiv. thank you for second sisters who point the way, who empathize, who care, who affirm, and who drop a “hello” at just the right moment. the amount of love i have for her is overwhelming. ahhhh. iron sharpens iron and this girl is such a blessing.
xiv. precious moments include waking up and watching the sun rise. treasured moments include doing something for the first time and totally bossing it. memorable moments include, after succeeding, people surrounding praising you but most of all your dear father enveloping you in a papa bear hug and saying “well done.” treasured moments include your teacher telling you did a perfect job. oh, to feel loved. oh, to feel affirmed. it’s moments like these that i enjoy life.
xiv. “i consider you one of our leaders,” stated the voice on the other end of the phone line. wow. this person of authority saying such a statement about me? this blew me away. thank you for surprise guides who spur me on to reassure me in what i’ve been doing and to keep living out.
xiv. hallelujah for confirmations and blending in with a bunch of nerdy thirty-year olds. what a road paver.
xiv. i was in over my head. the ice was breaking and i could feel the frigid waters rising. i was crying, i was a mess. i felt so inadequate. why did i ever agree to this? all my excitement that once shone bright flickered and extinguished. my stomach was tied up in knots and my heart pounding as who knows what. but with every discouragement comes encouragement ; thank God for friends who hold your hand and stand by you when you just want to throw yourself against a wall.
xiv. the feeling was surreal. i connected with them and poured my heart out. i felt free. victorious. chills ran down my spine as i looked into their eyes. and then tears. they started rolling down their cheeks. that feeling warmed me up. made me bubble from my insides. i had done it. no, i didn’t do it. it was God through me. what used to be uncontrollable anxiety the day before was uncontainable conviction. i refused to be consumed by my own fears and that pushed me into victory.
xiv. the day to show love and feel loved. little treats peppered throughout the day. did i feel loved? not really. being showered with gifts may have been their default love language. my receiving language is words. next, hugs. the gifts just made me feel crummy. i end my day reading love letters from my first love.
xiv. okay so thank you very much but i don’t need to hear your **** anywho, thanks for another confirmation. time for a detour.
xiv. when it came i snatched it open excitedly. i cried with joy in His presence. oh to grasp how deep and vast the love. blessings come in little packages. blessings come sealed in an envelope. blessings come at the right time and the right moment. blessings creak wider the closed spaces in your heart and soul to create space for everything sweet and good. now that blessing is carefully tucked in the back of my Bible for me to return to. every perfect gift is from above. blessed is the one whose love is steadfast.
xiv. i feel so small. there’s him, then there’s me. i am nothing. i feel nothing.
xxii. have you ever felt that pressing urgency to write? the bone-chilling sensation of inspiration. thank you for showing me that there is something to my nothing. i have all i need. for now.
xiii. her wails fill the house, resounding and echoing with impending doom. her disobedience tramps like a savage. she doesn’t know what she’s doing. my mind wanders to how our father looks down on us. oh oh oh, the amount of patience and grace our father pours out on us. i toss my hair and snide how foolish she is but then i think, aren’t we all like that little girl. oh lordy.
xxv. the memories of that day gave me shivers and shudders all over again. dark shadows loomed overhead as if fate was going to repeat itself. and the rain just made it worse. thankfully there’s a higher power that believes in new beginnings. it’s because of him that i now believe in new beginnings too.
thanks for revelations, new beginnings, and a newfound love. for reflections of unending goodness, love, mercy, and patience. for spurring me on when i was flailing, for reminding me of who i am and will always be. for precious people who place confidence as my crown and put that smile back on where it belongs.