dear january —
xii. something about the frigid temperatures that you bring, mixed with raw emotions based on unfortunate circumstances, and unsettling social media dms that don’t quite sit well in my being… made me slink back into emptiness.
xiv. beauty broke free that evening. the melodies of one voice shook my heart. i had to stop trying. stop living from a state of mind that i could change it. i resolved to step in and the song that came through made my heart jump off the walls of my desperate soul. that night he scored a victory. thank you for revelations and break-throughs.
xvii. when someone like him leaves i cry. ’nuff said.
xv. thank you for opportunities for quiet and reflection. for three hours away from family (no offense) once a week. joy and thankfulness bubbled as i left that place the first day, knowing it would be a safe haven to return to week after week. tbh: it feels like a blissful retreat.
xxiii. i met mad chaos in the wee hours of the night. frantic texts, apologies back and forth. i made everything oh, so bad. hands thrown up in the air and frustrated. not the ideal end to the day.
xxv. i went to bed feeling so happy about myself. the feeling of chaos turned into feeling of conquering. nights where you can laugh to yourself and say you did it have the best feelings. all of a sudden “you’re lighter than air, the sky is clear, and you’re soaring up through the atmosphere.”
xxvi. “lead me where my trust is without borders.” i’m cold, slipping, sliding. there’s a crack in the ice. what have i got myself into. it isn’t where i land that matters. it is how.
xxxi. attitude > agenda. cultural bonds > cultural differences. servitude > self. what struck me was their force in having me eat first. that is what love is like. always offering, always serving, always giving. “so let my love look like you and what you’re made of.”
thanks for the little things. for warm, fuzzy feelings when you finally feel loved. for convictions during early mornings and comfort in the evenings. for grace that sweeps me up in waves. for love so fierce that i can’t escape. for engraining reminders to steady my heart.